Lets chat about mental health

As you may know in 2020 I hit a rut with my mental health, lost a lot of confidence and had no idea how I was ever going to feel happy and confident again. But I did get better and so can you. I am writing this blog post over a year later and am filled with an overwhelming pride of the younger me who pushed through all the hard brokenness to get to where I am today. Happier, braver and more positive than ever. Writing this blog post has been really hard as I find it really challenging to think about this time in my life but it is so necessary for me to do. I cried while writing this as I remembered how scared and sad that girl was. This post is for anyone who is feeling alone and broken, you can get through this. I promise.

So here goes, a love letter from my heart to yours.

Enjoy!

On Instagram I often share posts discussing how I have done something that scared me. It constantly amazes me how humans have such a wonderful ability to change and I find myself doing things that a few years ago I would never have dreamt were possible. In the early months of 2020, I was a nervous wreck, I was missing school because leaving the house was too much- in fact getting out of bed on some days was a struggle. I was having frequent panic attacks, in fact the first few times I thought I was having heart attacks which was incredibly terrifying and highlights the need for education around mental health. I was so scared of everything, of having a conversation with someone, of the world outside my bedroom, of what others thought of me, but most importantly I was scared of myself. I was in a deep dark hole with no idea how to get out. I felt totally broken and had nobody there to put me back together. If you could have told that girl that she'd be doing this. Sitting on her bed, spilling her heart out to people she loves and cares for and absolute strangers over the internet she would have laughed in your face. Honestly, I don't think believed that she would ever feel happiness, confidence and freedom again. But she did. The point is she managed to get better. She got back up and kept going until she evolved into me. The person sitting here today. The person who loves and laughs and cries unapologetically. I am happier than I have ever been in my life and I genuinely don't think that would be true if I hadn't snapped. If I hadn't fell down. Because when you are broken, when you are so far away from joy you learn a lot about yourself. I learnt what I can and can't cope with, what makes me feel good and what makes me ball my eyes out from looking at what got me to the place where I was crying on my dining room floor at midnight. I learnt that I depend on other people's validation and acceptance for my feeling of happiness. I learnt that I need to take time to rest and relax otherwise I collapse. I learnt I have expectations of myself that are way too high and quite often make me want to scream.

I also learnt how to look after myself. I developed a yoga practice, I started to eat the foods that make me feel good, I began to meditate, I moved my body. I started to care for myself so I would get better and I still rely on these practices so I don't fall down again. I learnt to love myself. I learnt that I am worthy of happiness. I learnt how to get stronger, how to bounce back. And I learnt to push myself outside of my comfort zone- something I'd always avoided.

Going back to school, talking to people, leaving my house these all felt so big and so scary but I did them. Isn't it wonderful that we can do that? That something that we so couldn't do one day we manage to do the next. Isn't it amazing that our perspective on life can change in a heartbeat. When I started to get better nothing except my mindset had changed. I just worked on myself. Put myself back together. Took a deep breath and went out and did it. Even if it was just a walk to the end of the road. It felt terrifying but I did it. I think it is so special that humans can do that. Push themselves, climb out of the deep cavernous pit that is anxiety using their own bear hands. We are miraculous beings. You are miraculous being, you have the power in your hands to fix yourself, to get out of that pit. Maybe you need someone dangling a rope down to help you up. It makes a huge difference when you know someone is there to support you, a shoulder to cry on, ears to talk at, arms to hug you. It will help so reach out. I know it feel scary but it will help.

In my opinion, the most important thing to remember is that people can change, you can change. I think it's marvellous that we can change into such different people, people our younger self wouldn't have recognized and still be very much us. I am so different to who I was a few years ago, but I am still very much me. I am happier, braver, freer but I am still me. You can change and you most likely will change. Some of the best moments of my life are still ahead of me, in fact probably most. But so are some of the worse. It will come and go. Like an ocean, the waves will keep crashing in into the shore, we can get knocked over or start splashing in the water. But whatever we are experiencing will pass. The good and the bad. So run at life with no expectations and open arms because it is worth it in the end. You are worth it. Life is wonderful. I promise. You just might not know it yet.

Sending all my love to anyone and everyone who needs it.

Megan x

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